Snow falls when its to cold for rain

Yesterday and today we had in our group in the orphanage "big-cleaning-up-day" . Saturday I cleaned 11 hours. 5 ours with two other girls the kitchen and 6 hours my room. I was soooo destroyed after that....
Today I had to clean with another girl the homeworkroom up. I did my best: And I did nearly everything alone. She was always talking. Talking about that she dont want to clean up and everytime I told here that she cant do it like this, because like this it wont be clean she shouted that She dont want to and if I dont like it how she do it she will go and I have to do it alone. After some times she said that I shouted back. thats also her home and its not my job to do this alone. and that I didnt want to make it with here because shes always getting on my nervs. Unfortunatly in that moment two other girlls that cleaned up together with another the hall came in and said "everythings ok you dont have to shout! "
After we were ready we sat down and talked to a new girl, whos really nice and who reminds me of the boy I'm in love with. They like nearly the same things and they think nearly the same. Its like she is his lost sister. I love it how she tells storys about her and her boyfriend, how they became a pair, and many times we talk about music.
Then the three girls that made the hall (I have to say on of them is my best friend and the other twos are good friends of mine) came in. My best friend walked around and looked if everything was clean. Normally she doesnt have to make this. Normally the educators have to look after this. And she grumbled and grumbles about everything. She said I didnt made it good. I started to argue with her. Then another girl interfere into our (normal) conversation and started a row with me. She said that I'm a fucking ugly bitch and that I'm as stupid as someone could be. You can imagine that I exploded. And I exploded like I did only one time bevor. I shouted on her she dont have to behave great only because shes longer here, and that I did everything good and that she has to look at first at that what she made ( today she made the hall but yesterday the bath and its still dirty)  and not what I make. We started such a big row that I was afraid that the house collapse. But I dont want to give up. And her best friend interfere also. So it was 3 contra me. 3 girls that arent used to that someones contradicts them. 3 girls that always want to be right. 3 girls that arent used to lose... And me , a girl that has enough of remaining silent. A girl that wants to make them lose. Just this one time.
But finally I brang them to a point that one was so upset she wanted to hit me. She just didnt know what she can say to me because I alwyas contradicted her. It was hard for me. So she decided to shout out a secret of mine.
Once I had something with a boy I'm not very proud of. He was just a good friend of me and I was in love with him (later I found out he was also with me) and we did something. Calm yourself I'm still a virgin. She shouted out I'm a bitch (again) and I said that that is what she says. and then she said it. she said "hey I'm not the one that had (here comes that what we did, I dont want to mention it here in the internet) " Somehow I managed to stay calm, like it wasnt true or important. I shouted back to her that she cant remain a little child for ever and somewhen she will do it also. and that that doesnt makes me a bitch. Her best friend knows that a thing that hurts me very much is when someone says that I behave like little child. Even if its not so( only sometimes) . So she said it. And I asked why. she said your always laughing to much. Is that bad? no it isnt when we havent a row its actually that what she likes the most at me. you can talk with me about  serious things but you can also behave crazy without feeling any shame or regret. Because for me its important to have fun. What would be life without laughing?
So I saw that I have three friends that use the things they know from me in a row against me.
Hey and do you know whats the best?
My mother went totally ballistic in the last part of the holydays. She throw me on the kitchenfloor and she bet me so hard I had some wounds after it. And  I ran away again. I ran back to the orphanage. And I cryed. Now I cry again.... its hard. that means I can never go back to my mother. I will never be allowed to live with her.
And the worst: one year ago when I first ranaway she promised me not to bet me again. Never. Absolutely Never. Yes I see....
I think you can understand why I dont believe any more in "trust" and "true friends" and "best friends"...
That makes me mad.

But there is also a person Im still believing in. She is an adult. An educator from the orphanage. I can talk with her about everything. And today after the row she said "you've done that good. someone have to tell them that they dont are always right. and YOU clean that up good. only the other girl didnt made it good. but you did it! " and she öaced the other girl because it was her fault (and of the other three girls. they provoced me) that the row took place.
And the thought of the smile of one boy makes me happy......... one special boy :)

Do you remember when I said at the beginning of this blog that my mother sweared she will never beat me again? HM... lets say it like this, she did it.

Finally Spring has come. The weather becomes warmer. The birds come home and in the morning I'm listening their lovesongs. Just beautiful <3 <3 <3 <3

Once I tried together with a friend of mine to find out what the personality faults from our friends are. We found for everyone one. But only from one boy we hadn't found out.  That was some months ago. But still we hadn't found a fault at him. He's always nice, everyone likes him, he's funny .... And I already asked some other guys. Nobody found a fault. So I asked him. But he laughed and said he hasn't got any. That was like a month ago. Today I asked him again on the way home.He gave me the same answer but suddenly a friend from him grinned and said: "I know one". You can imagine I wanted to know it. He said: "do you remember now some years ago when this guy said something bad about your mom and you bet him up and he nearly needed hospital treatment? " The faultless boy answered: "but that was some years ago... and why do you tell her?!"
His friend said he still know one fault.
But he said that he dont believe in faults. Everyone has his special way of being. And there aren't any faults cause its just humans way to be. We have to accept people like they are.
Sweet. And true.

I wish I could be there where you are.
I'm sitting here all alone and think about you.
It's time to give up.
Between you and me , theres no us.
Sometimes you have to akcept the things how they are.
Sometimes you hate the person you love  because he's the one who can hurt you the most.